May 19

Fighting For Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read…

Main Entrance.

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May 08

Anniversary Gift

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: ‘Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!’
‘I suppose,’ the husband responded, ‘we could vacuum.’

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May 04

Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”
She says: “No”..
The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …”

At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

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Apr 28

The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

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Apr 24

Subway Party

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

“Where ya been?”

he slurred.

“I don’t know,” gushed the other guy, “but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!”

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Apr 21

Defective Nails

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first guy explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed towards me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding.”

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

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Apr 17

The Boss

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No”.
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me.”

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Apr 02

Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”
The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”
God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

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Mar 31

My Job

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, ‘Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.’
‘Incredible!’ exclaimed the man.
‘I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!’
‘No, no,’ pleaded the dog. ‘Please don’t!
If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!’

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Mar 28

Camp

Four guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and comes to breakfast the next morning with hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”

He said: Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night.”

The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.

The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.

They asked: “Man, what happened?”

He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his behind and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.

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